Ok I lied. This picture is just a 1/1000th section of my disaster of a room. I actually photoshopped it with at least 10 layers to get that ‘look’ due to lack of a professional camera and lighting equipment. Being an “art” person, my surrounding is always a mess. Markers and paint brushes are lying around literally everywhere, the unwashed glass that housed last night’s whisky still sits at the awkward corner of my table and I haven’t brushed my teeth since I woke up 3 hours ago.
Despite the picture and reality being completely different, I’m actually all happy inside. Why? I get to Do. What. I. Want. I get to live my little picture for as long as it’s in my oily face. I get to spend the rest of my morning dreaming and getting inspired from magazines and Pinterest boards in my pyjamas, and type our my embarrassingly pointless thoughts that I might or might not get amused at when I look back at them one day in the future. 😀
Truth is doing what you want comes with so much responsibility. What you want can range from lazing around in bed for hours to going to the next expensive fancy cafe just so you feel you now deserve to work harder. Everything you do has a consequence and you only have yourself to blame if you’re unhappy about something. So you’re always annoyed at yourself for not sitting at the desk long enough or for spending that extra RM12 on coffee you don’t really need. You start to question whether procrastinating IS actually helping your creativity or not. Or the “balance” of spending an hour to exercise and another to socialise every day is worth it or not. You also have to constantly remind yourself that a small creative business is not just about producing pretty things, it’s also about getting your contracts read and drafted a thousand times over, presenting your work in a visually pleasing manner, being nice to everyone, and sorting out your finances ahead before you fall into disaster.
Through all the shuffling and wavering however, it’s pictures like the ones above that remind me of why I do what I do. It’s those super positive perfect looking loaded people who show that they are living THE life and share uplifting inspirational pictures and quotes on social media that reminds me, hey, at least I can do a tiny part or something similar to what they do, which is mostly: In the ability of Thinking (or at least Portraying): Positivity, Motivation & Constant On-Point-ness.
Yes, I’m still struggling to find balance with my new found freedom. Most of the time I seem to be discussing (talking) with myself. Writing is a tool to self-discovery after-all, right? It’s also not easy to write and leave it here so publicly too. There’s a lot to it than just sharing sometimes because some things are really not awesome nor inspiring at all. And a different mind would think differently about things they see. But this is the journey I chose I guess. A life of expressing and sharing. This journey is what counts most. It’s what I want to be on the road doing whether or not I get to the destination in this lifetime. Might as well share all these little bumps and flowers on the road while I’m at it. 😀
“I don’t know where I’m going, but I know where I’ve been. It’s never in the knowing